A glimpse into my psyche

I just happened to look at the counter on my blog a few minutes ago and realized that I put it on my site exactly six months ago today and I've logged almost 10,000 hits. Now, I realize that google can do that in oh, say, six seconds, but still. That means my little blog, in six months, has been looked at in some capacity almost 10,000 times. Granted, it's basically the same three people reading who just happen to have an insanely large amount of time on their hands (crazy graduate students,) but nonetheless, I've logged 9,600 hits. If you don't have a counter on your site, I recommend you add one. Thanks to those of you who faithfully check my blog and come back every day even when I haven't updated in weeks, and maybe even more amazingly, when I actually do have something to say.

I mentioned in my post yesterday that I have a church retreat this weekend. As this one has been drawing near, I've been reflecting on my time at Farmer's Branch Church of Christ (lovingly referred to as The Branch, because it's just alot easier to say/type.) At the last retreat I was still fairly new and knew very few people. Going to that retreat all alone was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've been there about eight months now, I know tons of people, and I'm even a group leader. It's absolutely crazy to think that I've been there for that long. It really seems like just yesterday I walked in for the first time. I remember it so clearly. On the other hand, it seems like I've been there forever. It's definitely my home, and I am so thankful to God and to the church leaders for such an awesome church.

The church is celebrating it's 100th anniversary this year and the fact that it is such a thriving, spirit filled place is such a testament to the goodness of the Lord and the faithfulness of the members. I am filled with greatfulness to the elders, especially, for seeking the Lord and his will for the church rather than simply sticking with the traditional "Church of Christ" model. I also have tremendous respect for the members of the church in following the lead of the elders and supporting those who have been selected to lead the church. Thank you so much for that. I'm sure that it isn't easy in any denomination to be one of the churches that does things differently, but it especially isn't easy in our quasi-denomination. I know that the church has been under much scrutiny by some other churches that also have the title "Church of Christ." Instead of dwelling on it and talking about it as many churches in similar situations do, they don't mention it. They feel so strongly that they are seeking the Lord and doing his will that they don't feel a need to even bring it up.

I've been asked recently by a couple of different friends if we've dropped C of C from our name yet, and as I told them, the answer is no. (For the record, I agree with Katie about hating church politics- both inside and outside the church.) Our church surely is a church of Christ. Then again, all Christian churches should be churches of Christ, and of God, and of the Holy Spirit, and of love, etc. The list goes on and on. I don't know the thoughts of the elders and staff, and I have no idea if this is something they're considering doing. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I haven't heard any talk of it, though. If they do, I'll support it. If they don't, that's great, too. I've come to realize over the last five years, but especially in the past one year, that my allegiance isn't to the "Church of Christ." It's to Christ and his church.

The other night as I was discussing things of the spiritual nature with a good friend, she basically told me that she thinks alot of churches are changing the way they do things just to meet the desires of the people- because they're bored, lazy, etc. Four years ago, I probably would've agreed with this statement for the most part. Maybe some churches are changing things for those reasons, but I'm not one to judge what their motives are. From where I'm standing, I don't see churches changing so much just to appease a people who want to be entertained at more convenient times and in more trendy locations. I see churches full of people who are longing to know him intimately. They are seeking after them with their whole hearts, and are asking for more. And I believe that when you are constantly seeking the Lord and asking for more, he's probably going to give it to you, and there's a good chance it may not look the way it always has in the past.

And on that note, is anyone else frustrated? Because the thing is, I see these people around me who are just SO incredibly filled with the spirit, and I just feel like there's something holding me back! I am finding myself so frustrated these days that I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to be this group leader and I don't have things jiving even halfway in my personal walk. I am confident that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, that there is a God who created the heavens and the earth and ME, and a Spirit who dwells in me and is constantly interceding on my behalf. That's what's weird to me. I mean, I know it without a doubt. I don't worry about things half as much as I used to, because I know that I am a friend of God, that he lives inside of me, and that Satan can't even touch me. (But man oh man, does he try. UGH!) I think that's why Emily Rose didn't bother me at all. And really, Satan doesn't scare me, he just makes me mad! :)

So since I'm completely confident of this, why am I not feeling it? It's like a head knowledge thing. Actually, no it isn't. I mean, I know it in my heart. But there's just something there that isn't connecting. That spark that really sets you on fire isn't igniting anything, and I just don't get it. Honestly, I have a couple of theories, but even if my main theory is correct, it's just something I'm going to have to get around. It's not going to go away and so I'm just going to have to figure out a way to deal. Sorry I can't be more specific, but I just can't. I wish I could just get away all by myself to spend some good QT with the Lord. Hopefully soon.

I just need me some revival! I am so excited about this weekend, and I am praying that the Lord will move in a MIGHTY way. I am coming expecantly, and I know that God will be present, but I am just praying that I will be receptive to his presence and that I will be touched. I could use it in every area of my life. Any prayers you can offer up for me would be much appreciated, and I would love to know of anything you need lifted up, as well.

If you made it this far, thanks so much for reading! My posts usually aren't of much substance, so this is a bit out of the ordinary, but it is more of what I really wish my blog could be. Transparency is something I need to work on, and posting my innermost thoughts on the internet for billions to see is a good way of doing it.