Song of my Life

Fair Warning: This blog entry is rated PG-13 or MA for mature audiences. Please do not read if you are under the age of married or over the age of my parents. This story definitely falls into the category of TMI (too much information.) So proceed at your own risk.

*************************************************************
Last week on American Idol, the constestants had to do an interview about their most embarassing moment. I was thinking about it, and I didn't really have one that stuck out in my memory. All of that changed yesterday morning.

Now, I'm a married lady. And married ladies do married people things. Things that people who aren't married shouldn't be doing, if you get my drift. And if you are trying to prevent having a family in the near future, you use certain helpers to aide you in your quest to not have babies yet. When you're finished with those helpers, you throw them away. I know it's not much of a way to say thanks to that little helper, but it's really for the best to drop it in the nearest trash can. Are we all on the same page here?

So on Saturday morning, I went to work out. I was gone for about an hour. When I got home, Lucas went into the bathroom and noticed that Bailey had gotten into the trash and that a certain little helper was nowhere to be found. While frantically searching for said helper, we prayed that Bailey hadn't eaten it. We could not find it anywhere. So, assuming that it was in dear sweet Bailey's digestive tract, I got online and googled "dog ate a helper." Okay, so I didn't type helper, but you know which word I typed. I found some info about it. Some websites said to just wait for it to pass, some said to induce vomiting, but I was still worried about it. So, I called our vet at Banfield Pet Hospital (Petsmart) and her nurse told me to bring Bailey in and they'd look at her.

I get to the vet, drop Bailey off, and get about halfway back home when they call me and tell me to come pick Bailey up because they don't have the scope that they need to look down her throat. They refuse to induce vomiting for some reason, saying she must have the scope. So, I had to go back and pick Bailey up, then take her to the Emergency Pet Hospital. Lucas meets me there and we wait for a doctor for about 30 minutes. Keep in mind that I have to tell the story of what happened over and over again to every nurse, desk worker, and doctor we see. The doctor finally calls us and tells us he's going to X-Ray. Basically all the $250 X-Ray tells us is that she's full of poop. So, he tells us that he can induce vomiting. (Which is what I asked them to do at Petsmart.) If nothing comes up in the vomit, then we can put in the scope once her stomach is empty. If nothing is found with the scope, we have to wait for it to pass, and bring her in immediately if she starts acting sick, at which point they do major surgery because it's stuck. We tell the doctor he has our permission to make her barf, so he goes off to do that. A few minutes later, a nurse walks in with the "helper" in a plastic baggie, along with a little doggie barf. We praise the Lord for a few minutes, have a good laugh, take a picture (which I won't share with you,) get our dog back, and proceed to check-out where we give them $400 of our hard earned dollars.

All this to say, I now have a most embarassing moment. And the moral of the story is this: flush your helpers down the toilet. If you don't, you might be buying a $400 morning snack for your little weiner dog.