Song of my Life

About a month ago, I started having some weird chest pains. They were very minor, but it worried me because I tend to worry alot. They lasted for a couple of days off and on. I went to the doctor where she did an EKG and assured me there was nothing wrong with my heart. Two days later, while I was at school, my arm started feeling a little bit off. Not tingly really, or hurting, but just different than usual. So, I called my husband, freaked out, had what I think was a panic attack, and ended up in the principal's office where Lucas picked me up to take me to the emergency room. I felt horrible and weak for about the first hour of waiting, but after about an hour of waiting, I suddenly began to feel better than ever. We didn't want to risk it, though, so we waited for three more hours until I was finally admitted. After lots of chest x-rays, bloodwork, another EKG and four more hours, I was released with a clean bill of health.

I haven't had another chest pain since that day, and although I was assured by two doctors that I was healthy, something has changed in me. I have always struggled with worry, but it's been taken to a whole new level in the last month. That day, I was more scared than I've ever been in my life. It occured to me that eventually, I will die, and so will Lucas. Since then, I have been plagued by anxiety so strong that at points, it's almost debilitating. It didn't happen the day after the emergency room, or even the day after that, but completely out of the blue. The week after I went to the ER, I called Lucas on the phone during his lunch break and couldn't get ahold of him. I called and called, but no answer. I was absolutely terrified, convincing myself that something had happened to him. Eventually, I even called the hospital to see if he had been brought in. Of course, it turned out that he had accidentally left his phone in the car, and things were okay. The anxiety didn't start then, but from that poing on, I began calling him more often, just checking to make sure he was still alive.

This past week, a similar situation occured and each day since then I have had major anxiety attacks leaving him each morning. I cry, I pray, and I think all the positive thoughts I can, but I just haven't been able to shake it. The thing that's so scary about it is that it's something I truly cannot control. If I could, I would. I absolutely hate living this way. Things are fine when we're together, but I just can't handle leaving him. Every time I say goodbye, I'm afraid it's going to be the last time. After a couple of hours, I come out of it and all my worries are gone. During the time that it is affecting me, though, it is pretty horrible.

I've never been so honest about anything on this blog, but the reason I tell you this now is to ask you to please pray for my deliverance from these anxiety problems. I can't really explain the feelings that I have when the anxiety comes, but it's something I wouldn't wish on anyone. The last month has been one of the hardest of my life thus far. Pray that I will find my security in the Lord instead of in Lucas and that I will be able to trust in him. I am claiming the Lord's healing on my mind, knowing that this is not what he wants for me. Please join me in claiming that healing!